Title: Impossible lessons - ありえないじゅぎょう
these is a drama CD with the voices of the seiyuu from the Full Metal Panic Anime - showing what it would be like to have Mr Gates, Leonard Testarossa and Gauron as their teachers for the day. It's really entertaining, hope everyone enjoys them as much as I did.
Full Metal Panic The Second Raid Special Volume Drama CD Impossible Lesson
Lesson 01 - 1st Period. Mr Gates - Biology
Chidori: (narrating) What if we had a teacher with long sideburns.
Chidori: *yawn* Good morning Sousuke.
Sousuke: Hey Chidori.
Kyouko: Good morning Kanachan, Sagara.
Chidori: Ah, Kyouko, you sure seem cheerful.
Kyouko: *hehehee*
Ono-D: *out of breath* Baaaa, that was close.
Chidori: Ah, Ono-D too, good morning.
Ono-D: Wassup, Chidori. Man, I slept in mad late. The drama I recorded yesterday, it was the Police Inspector Totsuyama's "That's It! I see! Special Murder Case: Can you see the Truth in Bravery?" tv series, but suddenly, from the beginning the plane crashlands in the river, and from the window of plane while its engulfed in flames...
Chidori: Is that, a drama?
*bell rings*
Ono-D: ...and he shows up. It was so cool!...
Gates: (singing voice) aaaavemariaaa
*walks in*
Sup, everyone. Take your seats. It's Gates Sensei's~
Ono-D: ...so I was like: nobody wants to see a naked man!...
Gates: Class has started. Are you deaf!?
Ono-D: ...and then I was real worried, and then...
Gates: eeeh, POW!
*GUNSHOT*
Ono-D: kyaha
*drops to floor*
Kyouko: Ah! Gates-sensei just shot Ono-D to death!
Sousuke: The center of the forehead from that range; he's a good shot.
Chidori: No, that's not the issue...
Gates: Hey hey hey hey, I said class started, didn't I? How dare you ignore me and start blabbering this early in the morning...
*violently shakes Ono-D*
Eh? Eh? Can you hear me? I said are you listening! Hey!
Kyouko: Shaking him like that is useless, Sensei, 'cause Onodera's dead.
Gates: What's that? Oh, you're right. Who the heck could do such a cruel thing!?
Chidori: You did. You!
Gates: Aaaah, whatever should I do? My adorable student...how dare you, how dare you. I wont forgive this, you villain!
Chidori: And, you're not listening.
Gates: Setting this aside. Open your textbooks...We're starting Biology class.
Chidori: We're starting?
Gates: Lets see...last week it was about...the lazy man's emergency disaster actions, and elevation of the genitals.
Today we'll do the same places. Alright? Because this will definitely show up on the midterms.
Chidori: No, no it won't.
Gates: You've been noisy all day. You aren't falling for me, by any chance, are you?
Chidori: Where'd you get that?
Gates: Isn't of obvious? Because a highschool girl like you normally loves chest hair, clinging tightly to such men.
Chidori: No I don't!
Gates: So you're saying you like butt hair instead?
Chidori: I hate that even more!
Gates: What'd you say, you pervert!
Chidori: Ha, wha? How's that even...?
Gates: Well, anyhow, its classtime. Come come, open your biology textbooks. Today it was from the Taika Era reform up to the Meiji Era western adjustments, right?
Chidori: That's not Biology. I mean, why don't you admit defeat!?
Gates: Eeeeh, page 256, read it well.
Chidori: Just one page?!
Gates: Apart from that, I have an important announcement from me to all of you.
Chidori: Important Announcement?
(KEI: in the original, the translator had said important discussion - i changed it to announcement, cause it seems like that is more appropriate)
Kyouko: What is that?
Gates: To be honest, I have to leave this school. Today's my last day.
Class: eeeh!?
Sousuke: Sensei, would you please give us the reason?
Gates: Yeah. It happened this morning....I was riding the train to work, right, n' some punk was sitting in a seat for seniors, but wouldn't give it up for the old lady. I was reeaaally offended...
Chidori: Ah...
Gates: I accidentaly fired my gun.
Chidori: You shot someone again?
Gates: Yeah, the old lady.
Chidori: You shot the lady?!
*police sirens*
Kyouko: Ah, police cars.
Gates: Eh?! They came for me already. The rest of class is "self" study! (remember, he was talking about erections)
Ladies, Gentlemen, farewell.
*runs to the left, laughs*
Chidori: Ah, Sensei, that's the window!
Gates: *breaks through window, lands*
Police Officer: You're under arrest for murder as well as suspected for criminal indecency!
Gates: *runs away*
Police officer: Stop! If you don't, I'll~
Gates: I'll do THIS!
*fires rocket launcher*
I broke out!
I have such artistic technique! I break out of the school with footwork like Takumi! (referencing Takumi Obara, competes in the triathlon)
They're trying to artisticly shoot me down like Mark in the Sengawa Grand Prix!
Chidori: Ah, he left...
Sousuke: This is hopeless.
*****************************************************************
Lesson 02 - 2nd Period. Leonard Testarossa - Maths
Kyouko: What if we have a gorgeous and genius teacher.
Chidori: Looks like he eventually got away. Anyway he was a troublesome teacher.
Ono-D: : phew. Really. I thought I was gonna die.
Kyouko: No, you were dead Ono-D.
*Bell rings*
Chidori: a~
Sousuke: It's already second period. Next is math, right?
*Teacher walks in*
Kyouko: Stand up. Bow. Take your seats.
Leonard: Hello, my cute pupils.
Girls: *scream*
Leonard: Are you doing well today too? (better translation: How are you doing today?)
Girls: Yes, Leonard Sensei.
Leonard: *small laugh* I'm glad. Well then, let's start our risque private lesson. Let's visciously enjoy it together. (viscous, sticky, etc. doesnt really work in english)
Girls: *scream*
Chidori: *Te* How is this a private lesson? (they're in the classroom)
Leonard: Oh my, it's Kaname Chidori. Are you jealous of my popularity?
But don't worry, you're my favorite.
//--------------------------------------
Leonard: Because we already drenched each others mucous membranes together anyway.
{Yeah, this line was weird in japanese too. I don't know what to do about it.
anyway each other mucous membrane soaked/drenched touched inside(group) because
nanishiro, otagai no nenmaku to nenmaku wo shippori to sesshoku saseta naka nandakara ne}
----------------------------------------
Chidori: Please don't talk so disgustingly.
Leonard: Are you kidding? Despite being a little bit delighted.
Chidori: I'm not delighted at all! I mean go home! *harisen slap*
Leonard: Hmp, you're not very honest. You really just want me to be by your side, right? *laughs*
Sousuke: Is it alright if I shoot him? (shoot to death)
Chidori: Yes! (please do it)
Sousuke: Roger!
*BAM*
Leonard: Dodge.
Sousuke: un?!
*BAM BAM*
Leonard: Dodge. Dodge.
Sousuke: un un?!
Kyouko: Amazing...he's dodging all of Sagara's shots.
Chidori: What madness!
Leonard: *stronger laugh* It's natural for a teacher to be able to do this much.
Well then, shall I take on this rebellious student?
*robotic noises*
Kyouko: Ah! A robot wearing an trench coat showed up, and is taking a fighting stance!
Leonard: Hmph, Plan 121 Alastor. The world's smallest Arm Slave.
Sousuke: rrr!
Alastor: (to Leonard) Your orders?
Leonard: Neutralize the opposition. Completely.
Alastor: Roger *mechanical noises*
Sousuke: Dodge.
Kyouko: Ah! Ono-D!
Ono-D: Huh? BLA *crunch, gasp, puke blargh*
Kyouko: Ah! The robot leapt on Ono-D and crushed him to death!
Sousuke: Fyuu, That was close.
Alastor: The designated target has been completely silenced.
Chidori: No, you have the wrong target.
Leonard: In any case, let's start class.
Chidori: So we're having class, in spite of this...
Leonard: *laugh* I was math, right. Well then, for now lets have someone solve this problem.
*writes on board, humming*
Kyouko: Wow! He's writing staggeringly hard formulas that I've never seen before!
Leonard: This is the Navier Stokes equation. Can you make this V equal zero, and sum it up using Euler's method? Then, Sagara, you try.
Sousuke: What, me?
Leonard: Come now, hurry up.
Sousuke: U...I don't know.
Leonard: Eeh, you can't even touch such an easy equation? You're even dumber than I thought. Now then, a different problem. Yes, this here, that there. *writes on board*
Leonard: Chidori
Chidori: Huh?
Leonard: Try solving this.
Chidori: Um...a...one plus one...that's 2.
Leonard: That's correct! How splendid! seikai! You've solved such a hard problem.
This is proof of your merit. You're a genius.
Chidori: Ha?...
Kyouko: What patronizing...
Leonard: By the way, I think there are only two types of young women in the world.
Those that are suited to school swimsuits, and those that are suited to maid outfits.
Going with that theory, you would be most suited for a shrine maiden outfit.
Chidori: Isn't that three types!
Leonard: *laugh* This one's got a relentless bite.
Chidori: Don't treat me like an animal!
Leonard: This is what I also like about you. You will probably look good in any uniform. *laugh*
Chidori: errr...you wouldn't happen to have...a uniform fetish?
Leonard: *laugh* No, not at all, but it is true for someone else inside the room.
Chidori: Someone inside?
Leonard: Incidentally, I heard that the person and the original author, are coincidentally graduates of this school. It's a small world, isn't it?
Also, even the teacher that shows up in Fumoffu has a real world model, a classic literature teacher, I heard.
Chidori: Uwaa, he's using insider talk.
Sousuke: This is considerably hopeless.
*************************************************************************
Lesson 03 - 3rd Period. Gauron - Japanese (?)
Chidori: (narrating) What if we had a villainous teacher.
Chidori: Good grief, wasn't he a detestable teacher. (needs a better version)
Sousuke: Third period's modern civ is about to start.
*bell rings*
Gauron: All right, we're starting modern civ. Take your seats.
Chidori: Ge~!
Sousuke: Gauron!
Gauron: *laughs* I'm happy to see you, Kashim. You look well. (this doesn't sound right)
Sousuke: Gauron! B,Bastard, you're supposed to have died! (I thought you died! might work better)
Gauron: Hey hey, how cold. Don't worry about the minor details.
Ono-D: Yeah, yeah. Dead or alive, don't worry so much about it.
Kyouko: Ono-D, so you were alive?
Gauron: Well then, now that we're ready for class, let's all enjoy it together. *laugh*
Sousuke: Very well, let's see this lesson of yours.
Gauron: All right. Then for starters let do transcribing kanji. Depression, Rose, and Past-Censorship. Can anyone write them? (憂鬱, 薔薇, 既往褒貶)
Ono-D: Me me me me!
Gauron: Mhmm, Onodera.
Ono-D: I canno~
Gauron: *BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM* (Gauron shoots Ono-D)
Ono-D: *blargh*
*shells dropping on floor*
Ono-D: *falls*
Kyouko: Ah! Ono-D is, Ono-D is!
Gauron: Don't - - - around during my lecture, okay?
Chidori: They're steadily fitting into their roles nicely huh?
Gauron: Jeez, no one can write such simple kanji? How lame. Or is this the consequence of this No Child Left Behind act? {"Education with Breathing-space policy, Laissez-faire, etc. Gauron is saying that this Japanese fairness policy is making the students dumber, I was trying to find an English equivalent. }
Sousuke: There's no way a normal high school student could be able to write such difficult kanji like Past-Censorship! (既往褒貶)
You're worse than a third rate teacher.
Gauron: *laughs* You're harsh Kashim. Then let's give you a different problem.
Sousuke: Fine then.
Gauron: Okay, then come over here. Right this on the blackboard. "Let's see...Kashim loves Gauron Sensei. Heart. ♥" All written with kanji.
Sousuke: What the hell is that? (does Sousuke use curse words?)
Gauron: Oh, you can't write it?
Sousuke: I can't! Not with every meaning!
Gauron: *Laugh* If not, then you lose, Kashim!
Sousuke: Ke~ Gu~ Uwaaaah!!
Chidori: Is this really something to worry about?
Gauron: Jeez, it can't be helped. All right, I'll have you do an easier problem. Hmm, that's right, "Gauron Sensei's extreme attack makes Kashim's heart pound. I want to have children with him." Write that.
Sousuke: ...It's impossible! *yells*
Gauron: Of course this needs to all be in kanji.
Sousuke: T T T THAT's what is impossible!
Kyouko: It seems like a copy of a certain Boys Love series, doesn't it?
Gauron: *laughs* What's wrong, Kashim? Write it. Come on, I said write it.
Show in front of everyone in the class your magnificent loves towards me.
If you don't, then you lose.
That's good. That soured, humiliated expression. Ooh, I'm getting ecstatic. Come on, come on.
What happens when I do this here? *moan* Come on, come on.
Sousuke: B Back off! Don't touch me! Bastards like~ ah, where are you touching me? Pervert!
Gauron: *giggles* Don't run away.
Sousuke: Shut up!
(these next several lines are close because they're all being said overtop of each other)
Gauron: You actually like this, don't you? Come on, come on.
Kyouko: Hmmm. This is getting fairly erotic.
Sousuke: You think I like that?
(using That instead of This because it's already happened, I'm assuming)
Gauron: See, you just said "Let's do it", didn't you?
Kyouko: Is Sagara the one on the receiving end?
Sousuke: Stop it!
Chidori: By the way, Kyouko, you're actually well-knowledgeable in this field huh?
Gauron: How about it? (...inaudible...)
Sousuke: There's no way it would feel good there!
Chidori: Or rather,
Gauron: *weird noises*
Chidori: Gauron Sensei, I have a question!
Gauron: Huh, what?
Chidori: Gauron Sensei, are you really, a homo?
Gauron: Hmm, if I had to say, I just want to see the look of disdain on his face...
Chidori: Ah, I knew it.
Gauron: We've hanging out for this and that a long time.
I generally know what I can do to make him feel unpleasant. Hm Hm. *nods* (this is longer than the Japanese version, couldn’t think of a way to trim it down. )
Kyouko: Is that so...
Sousuke: *Embarrassed* G-Gauron!
Gauron: Ah, on that subject, I have a photo I secretly took from Helmajistan's Guerrilla days.
Sousuke: What?!
Gauron: A 10 year old Kashim playing naked in the water. It really cute. Anyone wanna see?
(Kei: i aded in the thing about the 10 year old, cause that's what Gauron said)
Sousuke: S S Stoooppp!
Gauron: No, I'm lying. I don't have a photo like that. Don't look so frightened. *big evil laugh*
Sousuke: *heavy breathing* This is hopeless.
*********************************************************************
for some of the novels head on here.
-KEI-
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